Man is born. Man dies... inbetween there are millions of quests. Untold scores of forgotten adventure. This is one of those tales.

At the onset, we are greeted by clear skies and the simple directive: GO ANYWHERE. This is where we live

That tree? That is MY tree. That busted air conditioner? You guessed it: MINE!

Kids: Always buckle up, before adventure®.

Aaaaaaaaand we're off! Well.... as soon as this light changes

Ill portents on the I-4 corridor

Downtown orlando looks like this, through my cracked windshield. The guy next to me on this stretch of road is a total jackass.

Here we are in the BIIIIIIIIG city.... OH SHIT IT'S GREEN!

Wait... where the hell...where am I? I'm LAWST!

Gas light! Oh noes!

Hey! Signs! I know how to read signs! Salvation!.... but where to park?

Looking for parking is apparently worse than being lost. Oh hey! the old bus station! Once a guy there called me a

faggot because I wouldn't let him give me a haircut. Memories...

Right before this I saw a real live hooker in her natural habitat. I regret that I didn't get a picture, but I didn't want

to make any sudden moves for the camera. I was sort of frozen in terror.,

Sweet, a parking garage...

Man... this place looks like a level out of Resident Evil

Replete with evil stench and blinking light fixtures... Oh! ESCAPE!

What is there to do in the city?.... Oooo kay, something about this is... inappropriate

Whenever I see tall buildings, I'm always sad that spider-man's not clinging to the side of them.

Oh, hey! This looks cool.

Bohemian for my bohemian

If it weren't for the lawn furniture on the balconies, this would look pretty futuristic

Didn't spidey and green goblin fight on top of this in the first movie?

History, eh? ... don't mind if I do!

This lady was really sweet. She tried to let me in for free by asking if I was a student like five times.

Lady: You suuuure, you're not a student, and don't have triple a?

Kid: Yeah... I'm pretty sure. Lady, I'm old! 

Lady: Ooookay.... guess it's going to be full price for you

Kid: FINALLY!

The history center is guarded by polar bears... which apparently have some bearing on Orlando's history

One of them is a trained and ruthless killer, who makes a mean baked alaska

The other is a senior at the Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

The inside of this elevator is also a mirror! I'm freakin' out here!

Oh, hey! They have a black people floor. Let's check that out. If the polar bears are any indication, this should be awesome and also

involve cybernetic runaway slaves.

...

... I... feel as though we've made an error in judgement

Yeah... that's it... they were.... WAITING

AAAAAGH! Oh, wait.. you cant get me, you're trapped in the phantom zone. Still let's play it safe and

check out the court room exhibit

Here come the judge!

All rise for the honorable judge Weezy! Now, onto settlers and natives!

Something to be proud of

Pulling taffy was like the online dating of olden times.

A scale replica of fort christmas! Throw some zombies at them and you got a great idea for a movie.

This damned thing is from hell! It was kind of a looped video on a screen of a lady (a tin can tourist) folding laundry and milling about. Now I'm

a veteran of the parks, so I know that once I step on the right spot she's going to 'notice' me and start to roll off some sort of fact. I don't want this to happen

because I don't feel like being startled and set upon my obnoxiousness. Shit! There she goes.

I'm for some reason really enthralled by that turtle rattle

It's a rattle... but it's made from a TURTLE

God, this is so awesome. Alligators with ears are creepy

This is a timucuan woman. They were covered head to toe in tatoos as a sign of

social status. I thought you'd dig that. Oh. They also wore spanish moss

This basically says that same thing

Ok... about now, I'm feeling as though I should take my leave. I have adventured and adventure to share with my Baroness and it looks like

Orlando's about to blow away

See?

Aww, it's still there...

Meanwhile, at the hall of Justice:

Squirrels!

Squrrel batman and superman, concoct a plan to thwart the nefarious stone-a-gator (Also pictured)

This is not the surface of the moon, but the floor of my FILTHY car. This can only mean, that it's time for us to take our leave.

Almost home...

More almost home

Aaaaaaaand home!

And there we have it. An adventure, wrassled, bottled and proffered up to the Baroness. It's a vicarious 'venture! 

Also of note: the birthday monster: It's his birthday FOREVER